shift in my universe

There have been so many thoughts bouncing around in my head today that it is hard to nail down one. Just when I start to try to flesh one out, I hit a bunny trail and bound down a new path. I fully expect the same thing to happen here so I apologize! It might give you a sense of where my head is, should you care.

It's Father's Day. And it was the hardest day of the deployment so far, save the day Dave actually left. I didn't see that coming. Perhaps that made it even harder. It was harder than Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, the girls birthdays, even our 10th anniversary. Looking at all the significant days that passed already, I had no idea that today would be difficult. But it was. I wasn't prepared for it. Maybe it was because this was the first day that should have truly been all about my husband. And he wasn't here to celebrate with. When they acknowledged dad's at church this morning, they had all the dads stand up. Then they asked family members of deployed dad's to stand. There I stood with my 4 year old on my hip and my 7 year old leaning in close at my waist, surrounded by other women standing in place of absent fathers. Fathers who are willing to be away from their families so that other families (most of whom will not even think of the sacrifice of so many today) can enjoy BBQ's or dinners out with their fathers - in peace, in safety. I would have made special donuts for my husband this morning but I didn't because he wasn't here. We should have gone out to lunch, maybe even getting dessert, but we didn't. The house should have been filled with sounds of one ball game or another on the TV but it wasn't. The kids should have been presenting their daddy with cards and pictures they had made specially for him, but instead they sit in a box, waiting to be mailed to him. On a day to honor fathers, I was alone with my kids, and my kids just had Mommy around. (On a little bunny trail, I did get to have dinner with my own father last night as he was passing through from Virginia to a place a little north of here for a missions trip. That was a treat.) So, today was hard but there was more than one moment where tears pricked the backs of my eyes. (This crying thing is going to get old fast. Maybe not being able to cry wasn't such a bad thing after all.)

Moments. There are moments in the journey of life when your universe shifts. Most of the time it can be anticipated. A first kiss, your wedding day, the birth of a child, the first time you stike out on your own and realize that you are in charge of the direction your life will go, the moment you accept Jesus as your Saviour. These are good moments and exciting shifts. Today my universe shifted. It was much more subtle and not at all exciting. I have been eagerly anticipating my husbands coming leave. Those couple of weeks in the midst of deployment when we get to steal some time together. I've felt nothing but excitement as that time comes closer and closer. Today I saw another side to that time. It's going to be such a short time and then we have to say good bye again. Am I going to be able to enjoy the moments we have together without having each one tainted by the impending goodbye? I'm not very good at that. I had a lot of practice before he deployed in the first place but it didn't do me a lot of good. I'm not looking forward to having my life turned upside down again. And with that thought came the pricks of tears again, that obnoxious welling in my eyes, the slightly blurry vision. I fought hard to put on a mask for my kids. To smooth my face and bring the corners of my mouth up from a hard frown. There was no hiding my feelings though. I could hear it in my voice as I talked to the kids. Not my normal voice, but a rough voice, catching on the dread balled up in my throat.

And there it was.

The moment my universe shifted ever so slightly.

The moment I realized that seeing my husband get off that plane, giving him that first hug and kiss after so, so many months apart just means I'm going to have to say goodbye again too soon. Sure, the goodbye will be for a much shorter time period but it's still goodbye. It's still sending him off with my heart, leaving me empty. It's still ripping at the very threads of our family, stretching them to their limits.

And so today was hard. I miss the most important father in my life. My universe shifted microscopically from a happy, eager looking forward to Dave's return to a bittersweet, though equally anticipated, anxiousness - eager for his return, yet dreading the knowledge that it just means another goodbye. So, that is the truth of my reality at this moment. I can't wait for him to come home on leave, but I dread having to send him off to finish his tour.

10 years ago today...

"Marriage hath in it less of beauty but more of safety, than the single life; it hath more care but less danger, it is more merry, and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows, and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but is supported by the all the strengths of love and charity, and those burdens are delightful." - Biship Jeremy Taylor

Ten years ago today, on a warm Saturday afternoon, I stood at the back of the church where my parents had said their wedding vows 24 years before, waiting for my turn. At the end of the aisle stood the man who held my heart, who I loved more than myself and who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. While my dad held me back, waiting for just the right moment in the music to start down the aisle, my eyes were on my man. This was the moment I had been waiting for for the last 11 months. I no longer cared if the wedding went perfectly, I didn't care about the details of each moment. All I wanted was to have his ring on my finger, his promise in my heart, and that all important marriage license signed.

That day I made this vow to Dave and I stand by it now, 10 years later:

"With deepest joy, I receive you into my life, that together we may be one. I receive you with your strengths and weaknesses. I will be loyal to you in health and sickness. I will share who I am and what I have with you always. I promise to you my deepest love, my unselfish devotion, and my most tender care. I willingly yield to your authority as my husband and protector and will seek to challenge you in developing your personal relationship with our Lord."

His vow to me was:

With deepest joy, I receive you into my life, that together we may be one. I receive you with your strengths and weaknesses. I will be loyal to you in health and sickness. I promise to you my deepest love, my unselfish devotion, and my most tender care as long as we both shall live. I willingly accept my responsibility as your spiritual convering and promise to direct our family into a life of faith in our Lord."

How could I have known then what life would hold for us? At the age of 20, with stars in my eyes, I never envisioned spending my 10th anniversary thousands of miles away from the one I love. I pictured a life as a pastor's wife, kids running around, a house full of laughter, toys, and the smells of cookies baking. But who can predict the future? And would it have changed the joy I felt that day if I had known where I would be sitting today? I don't think so. Sure, I wasn't ready to be an army wife then, and Dave wasn't ready to be a chaplain. We both had a lot of growing to do and he still had a lot of school in front of him. But our marriage is better now because of Dave's decision to join the army. I wouldn't change a thing that has happened. I wouldn't go back to those naive moments at the front of the church with visions of a perfect life dancing in my head. Nope, I think life, and marriage, are better with it's flaws and challenges. How else can you learn to love a person more fully? How else can you feel free to be the person you are and have room to grow? Yep, the difficulties of the last 10 years have only made the joy of our marriage that much better.

In ten years we have moved 10 times! We have had 3 wonderful children. We have lived in 4 different states. Dave has been a student, a youth pastor, an associate pastor, a church starter

and now an army chaplain. I worked while he was in grad school, then became a stay at home mom. He's now deployed and I am keeping the home fires burning. His last promise in his vow to me was to direct our family into a life of faith in our Lord. I can't think of a better example for him to set for our children then to be doing what he is doing right now - following the will of God even when it's not easy, even when it hurts, even when it's dangerous.

Dave, I love you more today than I ever imagined possible 10 years ago. When I see the man you are today, I am humbled and blessed to call you my husband. I admire your determination to lead our family in whatever direction God takes us. You ground me when I feel out of control and you hold the kite string when I feel like flying. You are the steady in this life when I can't control change and it scares me. You set an amazing example for our children of what a man who loves his Saviour and isn't ashamed of it should be. Thank you for sharing the last 10 years with me, for holding me, for loving me, for comforting me, for sharing with me, for taking care of me! I can't wait for the next 10, 20, 30 years! In the words I used the first time I told you: I absolutely, positively, most definitely, without a doubt love you!

Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long since my last post. It's sort of a good thing - it means I've been busy and busy is good in a deployment. Since the last post my oldest child turned 7.

I can't believe how fast the time has flown by. She had a tea party and I made a teapot cake for her.

She got to talk on the phone to her daddy while she opened the present we gave her - a Nintendo DS.

The girls started soccer. That's been fun to watch. My oldest loves it but my youngest would prefer to sit and smell the flowers.
I haven't really had anything to say recently. It all kind of feels like I'm saying the same thing. But, since the question has been posed in my comments section I will answer it. We are now 7 months into the deployment. It's gone better than I could have ever hoped. I have no idea how people who don't know Jesus get through deployments because I don't see how I could do it otherwise. Well, maybe I can see it a little - but I would be so depressed I'm not sure I would make it. I still get to talk to my hubby nearly every day and I treasure that short time. Not every spouse of a deployed soldier is so lucky. I'm glad my husband makes it a priority to get in touch with me daily, even if it's just a little email to tell me he's alright and he loves me. Even though this is our first deployment and we went into it sort of blind, not knowing what to expect or how to navigate it, I wouldn't change a thing that we have done. Should we have to endure another deployment, I would probably do all the same things. The kids love watching the m and m jar get lower and lower and their excitement over the kiss jar being more than half empty is contagious. I've put pictures of the jars, taken at the start of every month, on the cabinets above them so they can see how far we have come. I added something for me. I hired a babysitter to come once a week to give me a night off. I go out to dinner, the movies, hang out with girlfriends, whatever. The babysitter takes care of feeding my kids dinner, entertaining them for the evening and putting them to bed that one night a week. It's been wonderful (and probably helped me stay sane too).
As far as specific prayer requests go: Well, school will be getting out soon and then we have long summer days to fill. I anticipate that to be a little difficult. I've already heard a comment or two about wishing Daddy were here. I have planned to visit family in July which will give them something to look forward to as well as change up our routine enough to keep them distracted. Then R and R will be upon us. We would love your prayers for that time to be filled with blessings and love and everything good that we can squeeze in.

The bird

My husband told me I had to blog about this:



So, in the interest of procrastinating (my house really does need some TLC) here's the story. For the last few days I kept finding dried pieces of grass - more like hay or straw - around the front door. Of course, that meant they were also dragged into the house by wild children. I couldn't figure out where these pieces were coming from. It was driving me crazy. Then, I went to leave the house one day and there was a crazy flurry of wings by the door as a bird took off in sudden flight. I looked up and found the answer to the question of where the straw was coming from. Apparently this bird thought our front light was a good place to build a nest. This should be interesting. I'm going to have to find a different way in the house for my sister in law who has a strong aversion to all things bird. But, really, who would have thought to look UP to find where grass was coming from???

I wonder when?

I wonder when, I wonder when?
I wonder when life got in the way of living?
I wonder when I got so overwhelmed being a mother that I forgot to be a mom?
I wonder when I got caught up taking care of the house that I lost sight of the home?
I wonder when, I wonder when?


Oh, yeah, when I became a single mom in all the practical, hands on, day to day ways - when this year long deployment descended on us. So, now as we hit the halfway mark (Yippee!!!!) I am having to remind myself that I still have to live, I still have to (get to) be a mom, and having a clean house is important but making that house a home is infinitely more important.

Musings

I'm in Virginia, hoping that my sister will give birth to her first baby, a son, before I have to head back to New York. We shall see. He's being stubborn. So like his mother :-).
You know, some days everything seems okay, but other days it all seems like more than I can take. I have this hole inside me. I've been going about life as if it's a nice little circle that I can just skate around the edges of and if I go fast enough, stay busy enough, then I can avoid it. Turns out, it's not so neat. It's got all these ragged edges that get caught on things and pull the hole bigger. Here I am, skating around my hole of emptiness when I notice my son playing with his basketball and find myself wishing Dave were here to play with him. Oops, that thought just snagged on a ragged edge of my hole and pulled it a little bigger. Then I watch my kids playing and see my son pull out a stick and use it as a light saber making sound effects that are obviously built into a boy 'cause I never showed him that and it makes me think of Dave. Yep, that ragged edge got pulled again. It could happen at any time, a moment in a movie that makes me think of him, a funny thought flitting through my head that I wish I could share. It builds, the hole gets pulled bigger and bigger while I try to skate farther and farther away from the edges. And then there is that moment when it feels like I am going to burst wide open because there just isn't room for that hole inside me anymore. That's when I say to God "I feel like I am splitting at the seams. Wrap me in your everlasting arms and hold me together." More often than not there is an immediate easing of the pain and hurt. Every now and then it's not so immediate but I have learned enough to know that it's coming and that is enough to keep me going.
A couple weeks ago I was reading a book (called Captivating) and it was talking about Jesus being the Lover of your soul. I'd heard him described as that lots of times but never thought of it much farther than He loves me and He died for me. There's more to the concept of lover though. It's someone who is constantly romancing you, trying to show you in little ways that they love you. And Jesus is perfect so it follows to think that His romancing of you would be perfect too. But do you see it? I know in human relationships it's easy to slip into a rut and not see those little things. In the book the woman mentions that her husband had gone on a walk on a beach to have some alone time with God. While there, he observed a bunch of whales and felt like God was right there with him, showing him He loved him and heard his prayers. Of course this husband went back and told him wife about the experience and she wanted the same experience. She went for a walk later on the same beach, all the while hoping and praying that she would get the same show of love from God. You can probably guess that didn't happen. But what did happen took my by surprise. After she had given up that God would show her something just for her, she looked down and saw a single, perfect starfish. She marveled at that a while and then turned a corner and the beach was covered in these starfish. She felt God romancing her in that moment. She didn't need whales - that was for her husband - and God gave her something, just for her. So, that got me thinking. How is God romancing me? What am I missing that God is using to try to show just how much He loves me as an individual? For the first couple days I tried to stay aware and look for things, but I eventually forgot about it, settling into my old routine. Then I woke up one day in the first week of April to snow on the ground. Enough snow that I was going to have to shovel. I got everyone ready for the trip to the bus stop, dragging out the packed away snow gear, and shrugging on my heavy, black winter coat. I griped to myself the whole way to the bus stop, with snow gathering onto my coat. I remember thinking "God, it's April already! I'm ready for spring!" Then, on the way home, I looked down at the snow falling on my coat and I saw it. This was how God was romancing me and I was missing it. I remember being awed by the perfect snowflakes earlier in the winter - how I could see perfectly each tip and the intricate designs on each individual tiny snowflake. I remember thinking how awesome it was that God would take such care in something so little and make each one different. Surely if He cares that much for something that only lasts a second, He cares so much more for me! So, yes, I am done with snow for the season (please, God!) but I will always be thankful for that last snowfall and the reminder that God is the Lover of my soul and He cares for me as an individual.

I've been mulling over what I want to write here for days now. I think of a hundred different things - while I am driving around running errands, or about to fall asleep but when I sit down to write, I can't think of anything. At least, nothing that makes sense.
In happy news, we have passed the 5 month mark. So, we are technically in the 6th month of a yearlong deployment. It feels good to know we are slowly inching toward reuniting our family.
As I think about that fact, I am reminded of the devotional we heard at a UMT (Unit Ministry Team) Coffee this morning. It can be found at Proverbs 31 Ministries:Daily Devotions but I have copied it here too:

"My amazing husband can do anything. He's a fix-it man. There isn't anything he can't repair or create. He rebuilds damaged computers for family and friends, repairs weed eaters and garage door openers for neighbors, and rescues broken furniture from trash heaps. Recently he brought a chair home from a dinner party. It wasn't a gift and we didn't steal it. Someone sat in it and broke it!

After two days of taking the chair apart - performing what looked like orthopedic surgery to me, you know when pins and screws are inserted to keep bones and joints from further damage – followed by a little gluing, sanding, and staining, the chair looked brand new.

"Wow!" I said, impressed.

"Sit in it and rock back," he encouraged.

"Rock back? I don't think so! What if I break it?"

"Oh, believe me. You won't."

"How do you know?" I asked, not convinced.

"I know how I designed it. I know the pressure points and how much stress it can take" he responded with a smile of confidence. "Go on. Sit in it and rock back."

I sat down and rocked back.

The chair was solid. I don't care who sits in it, or how they land in it now, it will not break.

I think about the times we don't believe we can handle any more stress. The pressure seems overwhelming and we cry, "Time out! I can't take any more!"

God responds, "Trust me. You will not be destroyed. I know your pressure points. I know how much stress you can take. I know how I designed you."

I cannot describe the peace I felt when I related the work of my husband's hands to the work of God's hand.

Of course He knows how much I can take. After all He is my Creator, the one who bent down by the river and fashioned me with His hands. He's the one who knit me together in the depths of my mother's womb, the one who is called the Potter.

He knows the exact temperature needed in the kiln to create the perfect clay vessel. He knows how hot the fire must be to separate the dross from the silver and gold. He knows how much pressure a diamond or emerald must withstand in order for it to come forth solid and brilliant. He knows how long the irritant must sit in an oyster before it becomes a pearl.

My Father knows exactly how much I can take. He knows because He designed me. With that realization I am able to trust Him and smile at the future, no matter how hard life is today."

It was so fitting for me to hear this today. My God is my Creator! He knows exactly how much I can handle. Now, it's for me to trust Him when I feel like things are getting to be too much. Instead of saying "God, I can't handle anymore! It's too much - the deployment, the kids, the house, the cars, the snow, the commitments and responsibilities on my plate - I just can't do it! I'm at my breaking point," I need to be quiet and listen as He says "My child, I MADE you. I know EXACTLY how much you can handle. You will not break. You will withstand the pressure. Fulfill your potential and glorify Me!" I don't know about anyone else but that realization made me feel really light. Suddenly all the pressure on me seemed much lighter, like just knowing God is only giving me what HE, my Creator, knows I can handle eased the burden. Who am I to question God?
This also tied into something I keep coming back to in my frequent musings in my head. I often feel overwhelmed by my life now. It seems like there is no escape. It was one of those moments when a song came on the radio and one line struck me. Jesus has overwhelmed the grave. It was the word overwhelmed that struck me first. Then I got to thinking about it. The grave, death, is the end all to our physical life, right? And Jesus overwhelmed that. It could not hold Him. Surely, then, with His help I can muddle through the ups and downs of daily life that seem to overwhelm me. I think I have the greatest advantage on my side. With Him I can flip the tables and overwhelm all those things that have felt like they are pulling me down.
And, so, with the peace of knowing my God, my Creator, knows all that I can handle, and the sense of victory I already feel knowing, with Jesus by my side, I will be able to keep my head above the water during the rest of this deployment, I go on to face another day.